tonight was the first night i actually worked at lipstick, and i think it went pretty well. i was so anxious, seriously, it was lame. but it went smoothly. i'll have to wait till tomorrow to see how much i made (the other server and i split the tips), but i think it'll be pretty good.
i'm so tired of overworking. i always do this. starting next week, i'm supposedly working less, so we shall see.
also, i went to the midnight thursday premiere of x-files with a friend who went out of her way to reconnect with me, and i had a lot of fun.
i also heard from ash that a friend's mom passed away unexpectedly, and it's made me sad.
my dad is visiting on the first. i miss him.
and beck is gone for a whole week, which has left our household in utter disarray and depression. god damn it, i miss her.
oh! and my celebrity power of attraction has returned!!! this is very exciting. this week alone i saw gillian welch, tiffany (the awesome 80's pop star, and at the fucking thrift store buying an electric youth bracelet no less), and today, nick carter ate at our restaurant. awesomeness.
my next order of business is to see nicole kidman and sheryl crow, and become BFFs with tiffany, as i hear she may now live in the neighborhood.
love to all, and fuck, i miss my lady.
Friday, July 25, 2008
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
i am so utterly charmed by the girls next door. i'm watching a "best of" episode on demand and i've seriously never felt so content. i love all the girls, i love mary, i love kendra's mom, and i even love heff.
my god, kendra is weird. i love it. when bridget's dog, wednesday went "doggytonic" and looked dead because she made him wear an easter bunny outfit, i laughed out loud for 5 minutes straight.
it's hard for me not to respect them. if i imagine that the show is a totally accurate representation of their lives, they seem liberated and so pleased with their choices and the awesome decadence it affords them. i love that they just called the kitchen and ordered guacamole and a strawberry milkshake.
i know, i'm lame for blogging about this show, and i don't care. oh my god, i almost just cried at one scene.
my god, kendra is weird. i love it. when bridget's dog, wednesday went "doggytonic" and looked dead because she made him wear an easter bunny outfit, i laughed out loud for 5 minutes straight.
it's hard for me not to respect them. if i imagine that the show is a totally accurate representation of their lives, they seem liberated and so pleased with their choices and the awesome decadence it affords them. i love that they just called the kitchen and ordered guacamole and a strawberry milkshake.
i know, i'm lame for blogging about this show, and i don't care. oh my god, i almost just cried at one scene.
Monday, July 21, 2008
i really don't want to go to work again. i hate split shifts, especially today. all i want to do is work on little projects around the house, smoke, and watch "how clean is your house" all day. i want to take the babies to the dog park. i want to be lazy. i want to read a book.
i have to scale back again on work. i'm overdoing it. oops. but it's so nice to be in the environments i'm in, to remember that work is not my identity, and i don't owe my co-workers anything more than hard work.
i like drinking again, too. i like going out after work and having a long island or two. i like being blocks from my work and the bars. i'm happy that i never have to drive my car anywhere.
i'm happy that i don't leave work with that heavy feeling i had for so long that i didn't even realize i had it. at my jobs now, i can snap at someone for being stupid, and they'll snap back, and no one feels broken hearted about it. it's freeing, and ih have no desire to be involved in some of the work dramas around me. i kind of feel like i flit in and out, do a good job, like most everyone, and most everyone likes me, and then i leave.
anyway, shit's rockin'. i love the lady, and i love the puppies. i made them beds for their crates, and i am overly proud of how much they love it.
ok, gotta change and get to my job. just felt compelled to randomly post.
i have to scale back again on work. i'm overdoing it. oops. but it's so nice to be in the environments i'm in, to remember that work is not my identity, and i don't owe my co-workers anything more than hard work.
i like drinking again, too. i like going out after work and having a long island or two. i like being blocks from my work and the bars. i'm happy that i never have to drive my car anywhere.
i'm happy that i don't leave work with that heavy feeling i had for so long that i didn't even realize i had it. at my jobs now, i can snap at someone for being stupid, and they'll snap back, and no one feels broken hearted about it. it's freeing, and ih have no desire to be involved in some of the work dramas around me. i kind of feel like i flit in and out, do a good job, like most everyone, and most everyone likes me, and then i leave.
anyway, shit's rockin'. i love the lady, and i love the puppies. i made them beds for their crates, and i am overly proud of how much they love it.
ok, gotta change and get to my job. just felt compelled to randomly post.
Friday, May 9, 2008
my sweet sister has inspired me to write. both of us have avoided it for a time, and i think for very similar reasons.
my sister has a much bigger perspective on some parts of life than i do, this much i know is true. when she writes, i realize how close our world is to being doomed, and how unimportant my daily drama is.
however, my truth is that i choose to ignore a lot of that. i choose to eat sushi even though we're running out of fish. i make and ravenously eat kraft macaroni and cheese at least once every couple of weeks. i smoke cigarettes and pot, and i don't often ponder the long term consequences of these actions.
i've been trying to snap out of a funk. i've wanted to write about these last few weeks a million times, but how do you write about things on a public blog? i'm holding out hope for a couple of friendships i think i've lost, but not enough hope to make an effort to reconcile. i'm tired, i'm angrier than i've been in years, and i'm invigorated by my chance to start anew. how do you feel betrayed and not revel in it? how to feel crushed but not pout? i don't know.
and so, i'm trying to let it pass. i'm trying to pretend that being totally broke doesn't make me want to beat the shit out of the people that put me here. i'm trying to remember my part in my circumstances, but be strong in what i know is true, that a terribly wrong decision was made that left me without a job, and questioning everything i thought i knew about my friends.
so i'll try to make this a fuck it all post. i'm starting an exciting new job on monday. it's a block away from my house, and i am ecstatic. beck and i had a wonderful (thankfully already paid for months ago) vacation from last sunday through wednesday. we spent 4 days in the mountains, mostly in the spa overlooking the forest, and i do feel good. i feel rejuvenated.
but i've hesitated writing about any of this, because i don't want my trials to be public. i don't want the people i felt so much love for to view me as petty. i was suddenly excluded from the biggest and most important part of my life (outside my home and family), and i feel humiliated. i feel afraid to walk around my neighborhood and wonder what my neighbors think of me. i know i should be proud, head up, knowing i did nothing wrong, but when you lose so much that you love, it's hard. but i'll do it.
i've done much harder things in my life. i've left people and been left a thousand times before, and most of them were worse than this. it's just that now is the first time i was happy, the first time i felt safe. and now i feel tricked. i feel so, so sad. so RIP to the life i thought i would have for at least a couple more years. RIP to the ideas i had about how life was and would be.
and here's to a brighter, less chaotic future. here's to being respected and not lied about. here's to new friendships and repairing those worth saving. here's to my life. fuck it. working in a fucking restaurant was too important to me if my soul feels this crushed. new priorities are in order, and now's the time.
i've read all week, gotten the slightest of color on my shoulders, and beck and i have an almost thriving garden. things change. it's all uphill from here.
my sister has a much bigger perspective on some parts of life than i do, this much i know is true. when she writes, i realize how close our world is to being doomed, and how unimportant my daily drama is.
however, my truth is that i choose to ignore a lot of that. i choose to eat sushi even though we're running out of fish. i make and ravenously eat kraft macaroni and cheese at least once every couple of weeks. i smoke cigarettes and pot, and i don't often ponder the long term consequences of these actions.
i've been trying to snap out of a funk. i've wanted to write about these last few weeks a million times, but how do you write about things on a public blog? i'm holding out hope for a couple of friendships i think i've lost, but not enough hope to make an effort to reconcile. i'm tired, i'm angrier than i've been in years, and i'm invigorated by my chance to start anew. how do you feel betrayed and not revel in it? how to feel crushed but not pout? i don't know.
and so, i'm trying to let it pass. i'm trying to pretend that being totally broke doesn't make me want to beat the shit out of the people that put me here. i'm trying to remember my part in my circumstances, but be strong in what i know is true, that a terribly wrong decision was made that left me without a job, and questioning everything i thought i knew about my friends.
so i'll try to make this a fuck it all post. i'm starting an exciting new job on monday. it's a block away from my house, and i am ecstatic. beck and i had a wonderful (thankfully already paid for months ago) vacation from last sunday through wednesday. we spent 4 days in the mountains, mostly in the spa overlooking the forest, and i do feel good. i feel rejuvenated.
but i've hesitated writing about any of this, because i don't want my trials to be public. i don't want the people i felt so much love for to view me as petty. i was suddenly excluded from the biggest and most important part of my life (outside my home and family), and i feel humiliated. i feel afraid to walk around my neighborhood and wonder what my neighbors think of me. i know i should be proud, head up, knowing i did nothing wrong, but when you lose so much that you love, it's hard. but i'll do it.
i've done much harder things in my life. i've left people and been left a thousand times before, and most of them were worse than this. it's just that now is the first time i was happy, the first time i felt safe. and now i feel tricked. i feel so, so sad. so RIP to the life i thought i would have for at least a couple more years. RIP to the ideas i had about how life was and would be.
and here's to a brighter, less chaotic future. here's to being respected and not lied about. here's to new friendships and repairing those worth saving. here's to my life. fuck it. working in a fucking restaurant was too important to me if my soul feels this crushed. new priorities are in order, and now's the time.
i've read all week, gotten the slightest of color on my shoulders, and beck and i have an almost thriving garden. things change. it's all uphill from here.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
i spent an entire week mourning losses and suddenly i realized- there's more in store for me than this! i will miss it, but it just goes to show there is no planning in life.
and a week's long enough. i'm off my ass tomorrow. no more crying, no more anger, no more disappointment. it's time to feel empowered, time to take the opportunity to make an upgrade.
on the agenda tomorrow:
finally clearly organize the clothes
in the process, do a ton of laundry
mow the lawn
pursue at least one of several job options
it's a fresh start card. in hindsight there were too many flaws, too much manipulation, too many overlooked injustices. i'll never love a period of time the same way i loved this one, but it's time for new.
and tomorrow is the beginning of something really big.
and a week's long enough. i'm off my ass tomorrow. no more crying, no more anger, no more disappointment. it's time to feel empowered, time to take the opportunity to make an upgrade.
on the agenda tomorrow:
finally clearly organize the clothes
in the process, do a ton of laundry
mow the lawn
pursue at least one of several job options
it's a fresh start card. in hindsight there were too many flaws, too much manipulation, too many overlooked injustices. i'll never love a period of time the same way i loved this one, but it's time for new.
and tomorrow is the beginning of something really big.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
i've learned a tough lesson this week. i've learned that, no matter how i get my life together, no matter how happy i am, no matter my reputation and work ethic, someone else's fucked upness can steal everything away in a second.
i've spent the whole week trying to rally, trying to admit that everything has changed, trying not to feel drowned by the humiliation. i've tried to tell myself i'm not losing my friends and so many other things i love, but i am. i have.
so now it's time to pull myself up and come up with a different plan. i've waited a week for some justice, for some sign that things can be ok and go back to normal. but now, i don't think i can wait anymore. i keep hoping my phone will ring, and it will be the boss i thought was my friend, correcting the mistakes he's made, and correcting the situation, doing the right thing.
but 7 days and multiple excuses later, it seems that this person i trust and love is going to make the easiest decision, and not the right one. i hope i eat my words, but the chance seems slimmer than ever.
at least my boss in my morning job thinks this injustice is the most ludicrous thing she's ever heard of. at least she's offering me as many extra hours as she can. and at least i have a better idea of who my friends are now. i spent hours last night with 2 of them, talking, laughing, confessing.
i feel like i had worked for years to become the person i am today, which is leaps and bounds beyond who i was before, and i feel like my proven reliability has been shit on in favor of passive easy decisions.
i've haven't felt this depressed, abandoned, and humiliated in years. but i have to remember. i still have rebecca, and we still have our sweet puppies and beautiful house. i still have some friends, and one of my work friends has made an effort to let me know she loves me, and it will all be ok. even if i lose the favorite job i've ever had, and friends i thought would stand up for me and have my back in such a blatantly unfair situation, even if i have to go back to working 60 hours a week somewhere i hate, i can do it. i will do it. i'll be ok. because that's just what i do.
but for once, i was so happy with all the circumstances of my life, and i still haven't quite let that go in my mind. but it's looking like it's time.
i've spent the whole week trying to rally, trying to admit that everything has changed, trying not to feel drowned by the humiliation. i've tried to tell myself i'm not losing my friends and so many other things i love, but i am. i have.
so now it's time to pull myself up and come up with a different plan. i've waited a week for some justice, for some sign that things can be ok and go back to normal. but now, i don't think i can wait anymore. i keep hoping my phone will ring, and it will be the boss i thought was my friend, correcting the mistakes he's made, and correcting the situation, doing the right thing.
but 7 days and multiple excuses later, it seems that this person i trust and love is going to make the easiest decision, and not the right one. i hope i eat my words, but the chance seems slimmer than ever.
at least my boss in my morning job thinks this injustice is the most ludicrous thing she's ever heard of. at least she's offering me as many extra hours as she can. and at least i have a better idea of who my friends are now. i spent hours last night with 2 of them, talking, laughing, confessing.
i feel like i had worked for years to become the person i am today, which is leaps and bounds beyond who i was before, and i feel like my proven reliability has been shit on in favor of passive easy decisions.
i've haven't felt this depressed, abandoned, and humiliated in years. but i have to remember. i still have rebecca, and we still have our sweet puppies and beautiful house. i still have some friends, and one of my work friends has made an effort to let me know she loves me, and it will all be ok. even if i lose the favorite job i've ever had, and friends i thought would stand up for me and have my back in such a blatantly unfair situation, even if i have to go back to working 60 hours a week somewhere i hate, i can do it. i will do it. i'll be ok. because that's just what i do.
but for once, i was so happy with all the circumstances of my life, and i still haven't quite let that go in my mind. but it's looking like it's time.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Monday, March 31, 2008
J did this, and i'm in a cheesy ass mood, so here:
1. Your rock star name (first pet, current car): athena ranger
2. Your gangsta name (fave ice cream flavour, favourite type of shoe): vanilla new balance (haha)
3. Your Native American name (favorite color, favorite animal): blue puppy
4. Your soap opera name (middle name, city where you were born): irene fullerton (haha this is my favorite one so far)
5. Your Star Wars name (the first 3 letters of your last name, the first two letters of your first name): hobkr (hmmm bummer)
6. Superhero name (2nd favourite colour, favourite drink): green coffee (now this i like)
7. NASCAR name (the first names of your grandfathers): ernest elmer (this is no lie. seriously.)
8. Stripper name (the name of your favourite perfume/cologne/scent, favourite candy): love marshmallow
10. TV weather anchor name (your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter): laos lincoln (grody)
11. Spy name (your favourite season/holiday, flower): fall daisy
12. Cartoon name: (favourite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now): banana brown shirt
13. Hippie name (What you ate for breakfast, your favourite tree): egg pine
1. Your rock star name (first pet, current car): athena ranger
2. Your gangsta name (fave ice cream flavour, favourite type of shoe): vanilla new balance (haha)
3. Your Native American name (favorite color, favorite animal): blue puppy
4. Your soap opera name (middle name, city where you were born): irene fullerton (haha this is my favorite one so far)
5. Your Star Wars name (the first 3 letters of your last name, the first two letters of your first name): hobkr (hmmm bummer)
6. Superhero name (2nd favourite colour, favourite drink): green coffee (now this i like)
7. NASCAR name (the first names of your grandfathers): ernest elmer (this is no lie. seriously.)
8. Stripper name (the name of your favourite perfume/cologne/scent, favourite candy): love marshmallow
10. TV weather anchor name (your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter): laos lincoln (grody)
11. Spy name (your favourite season/holiday, flower): fall daisy
12. Cartoon name: (favourite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now): banana brown shirt
13. Hippie name (What you ate for breakfast, your favourite tree): egg pine
Thursday, March 20, 2008
it's sprung!
it's a fucking awesome day. spring is so obviously the best part of the year, however brief it seems. i forget this though. i think the forgetting is a coping mechanism to get me through the fucking INSANITY of summer and the seemingly endless just cold enough to really start to get annoying winters. but now it's officially here. yellow and purple everywhere, red chested birds jumping around my yard, people walking by the window in our front room, talking, pushing strollers, walking dogs. it's here! we all feel it, and it's fucking awesome.
unlocking my front door after work, coming into a house that feels like mine, a lock that feels familiar, a dog that's starting to feel like mine, drawn on toilet seats in all the spare chairs, anticipating working tonight, and actually feeling cheerful about it. THIS is spring. ahhhh, i now have some time to soak it in and believe it will never end.
unlocking my front door after work, coming into a house that feels like mine, a lock that feels familiar, a dog that's starting to feel like mine, drawn on toilet seats in all the spare chairs, anticipating working tonight, and actually feeling cheerful about it. THIS is spring. ahhhh, i now have some time to soak it in and believe it will never end.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Monday, March 17, 2008
hang tough, motherfucker
i realized that i didn't post a pic of the finished cobra seat, so here it is:
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Thursday, March 13, 2008
i don't deserve another perfect day!
i have smoke, diet soda, cold medicine, and DIGITAL CABLE WITH HBO. fuck yeah, it's a good day. beck isn't here though. THAT would make it all perfect.
the weather outside is insanely glorious. because nashville weather defines erratic, i've learned to appreciate the sporadic loveliness. the front door is open, wind is softly blowing through the screen door. the ceiling fan in my playroom is on medium and it's the perfect temperature in here.
"breaking bad" is on demand, and i am SO happy to just sit in the sun lit room and smoke and watch awesome cable. perhaps i'll order a pizza. i can't have calypso nachos 6 times in 2 weeks, can i? can i?
until i decide i need food, i will bask in the glory of hundreds of channels and dream about toilet seat drawings. at 8 you will find me back to my thursday normalcy, with kate, sawyer, and sayid on a magic island that can shift time.
best thursday ever.
the weather outside is insanely glorious. because nashville weather defines erratic, i've learned to appreciate the sporadic loveliness. the front door is open, wind is softly blowing through the screen door. the ceiling fan in my playroom is on medium and it's the perfect temperature in here.
"breaking bad" is on demand, and i am SO happy to just sit in the sun lit room and smoke and watch awesome cable. perhaps i'll order a pizza. i can't have calypso nachos 6 times in 2 weeks, can i? can i?
until i decide i need food, i will bask in the glory of hundreds of channels and dream about toilet seat drawings. at 8 you will find me back to my thursday normalcy, with kate, sawyer, and sayid on a magic island that can shift time.
best thursday ever.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
i'm sick but i'm pretty (haha fuck you so what if i know this song)
thankfully, mara is working my shift tonight because i slept for approximately 1 hour last night. my coughing and snot puddles kept waking me up. and rebecca discovered this morning that scooter's water bowl was dry which perhaps explains why he woke up every hour and ran around the house barking and keeping me even more awake.
in reality, the day is pretty great though. i'm getting cable tomorrow, which is awesomely fun, and i'm hoping to get some green so i can just sit and smoke and watch "lost" since i have tomorrow night off.
i also have a new project i'm working on, so i'm off to the craft store today. here's a preview of my first prototype:
the next one is going to involve sequins and jewels. pretty awesome.
so anyway, hopefully this shitty feeling from my work encounter fades, and hopefully i can get a nap in. but, for now, i'm happy watching roseanne and planning toilet seat art.
in reality, the day is pretty great though. i'm getting cable tomorrow, which is awesomely fun, and i'm hoping to get some green so i can just sit and smoke and watch "lost" since i have tomorrow night off.
i also have a new project i'm working on, so i'm off to the craft store today. here's a preview of my first prototype:
the next one is going to involve sequins and jewels. pretty awesome.
so anyway, hopefully this shitty feeling from my work encounter fades, and hopefully i can get a nap in. but, for now, i'm happy watching roseanne and planning toilet seat art.
Saturday, March 8, 2008
Friday, March 7, 2008
scooter is not very excited about watching roseanne with me when i get home from my morning job. perhaps this should make me feel guilty; i know he'd rather i run around with him for a bit. instead, it only makes me question his judgment. what rational dog wouldn't want to sit and watch the best sitcom ever?
this roseanne episode is really heavy though, so maybe i don't blame him. i love this show so much. every couple of years i rediscover it, and watch it daily for a bit. i was always really envious of their family. my family had more money than they did, but in my family, we didn't get to fight like they did. if there's anything i truly wish was different in my life- now and in the past- i wish i knew how to fight without worrying that the person i'm fighting with will abandon me forever. i went for a time trying to avoid conflicts of all kinds. this, it turns out, is impossible. so now i tend to resort to ugly and really mean spirited occassional outbursts. roseanne was really so ahead of her time. as crazy as that family was at times, they spoke to each other so openly. oh my god, roseanne talking to dj about why she hit him and how her father hit her, and dj saying "i'm sorry you got hit" and roseanne saying "i'm sorry you got hit too." makes me want to cry. ok, whatever, maybe i did cry a little.
i don't think scooter would mind watching roseanne if rebecca was here. he misses her, and i do too. i've never known someone i can be around so much and never get sick of. everything is better with her around.
lately, i'm serving at the restaurant again, and i'm kind of loving it. i keep thinking about 10 or 15 years from now, and how i have no idea where we'll be or what will be happening in life exactly, but i know that without a doubt i'll look at this year and the ones surrounding it as some of the best of my life. the people around me make up a community i thought existed only in shows like "gilmore girls." i know someone at every place that i shop, all the banks, the corner stores, every restaurant and bar is filled with familiar faces. every few cars that i watch pass my house is driven by someone who i recognize or who recognizes me. how awesome is that.
i have no doubt that someday somewhere else, i'll have an amazing life with new people and old people in it to varying degrees, and i can be really happy in a new way. but i want to make sure i remember this time as the first time i've ever been really happy and felt certain that the people who love me will not abandon me.
this roseanne episode is really heavy though, so maybe i don't blame him. i love this show so much. every couple of years i rediscover it, and watch it daily for a bit. i was always really envious of their family. my family had more money than they did, but in my family, we didn't get to fight like they did. if there's anything i truly wish was different in my life- now and in the past- i wish i knew how to fight without worrying that the person i'm fighting with will abandon me forever. i went for a time trying to avoid conflicts of all kinds. this, it turns out, is impossible. so now i tend to resort to ugly and really mean spirited occassional outbursts. roseanne was really so ahead of her time. as crazy as that family was at times, they spoke to each other so openly. oh my god, roseanne talking to dj about why she hit him and how her father hit her, and dj saying "i'm sorry you got hit" and roseanne saying "i'm sorry you got hit too." makes me want to cry. ok, whatever, maybe i did cry a little.
i don't think scooter would mind watching roseanne if rebecca was here. he misses her, and i do too. i've never known someone i can be around so much and never get sick of. everything is better with her around.
lately, i'm serving at the restaurant again, and i'm kind of loving it. i keep thinking about 10 or 15 years from now, and how i have no idea where we'll be or what will be happening in life exactly, but i know that without a doubt i'll look at this year and the ones surrounding it as some of the best of my life. the people around me make up a community i thought existed only in shows like "gilmore girls." i know someone at every place that i shop, all the banks, the corner stores, every restaurant and bar is filled with familiar faces. every few cars that i watch pass my house is driven by someone who i recognize or who recognizes me. how awesome is that.
i have no doubt that someday somewhere else, i'll have an amazing life with new people and old people in it to varying degrees, and i can be really happy in a new way. but i want to make sure i remember this time as the first time i've ever been really happy and felt certain that the people who love me will not abandon me.
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