i am a healthier person in nashville, and i've been thinking about why. in san diego, it's so easy to disappear- i regularly went missing, even from the friends i am closest to. here, it's impossible. you can avoid a phone call, but you WILL see that person within a few days- grocery shopping, getting coffee, at the goodwill across town- there is no escaping community in nashville. it can feel smothering at times, but for serial recluses like myself, i think it's a good thing.

and, now that i'm living with rebecca, i have another person to be accountable to. not in a weird, possessive way, but in an "i can't watch meryl streep movies for 3 days straight while avoiding all outside contact and only ordering in" way. now, when the reclusive mood hits, i get to cuddle with someone and emerge a few hours later into the real world.

i know i am perceived still as a socially anxious hermit at times, but i feel more a part of a place than i ever have. work is so much better than it was a few months ago. i am back to being a full time coffee girl/almost full time manager at the coffee place now, and i look forward to my sporadic serving shifts at the wash. i have more time with rebecca, i have almost every night off; it's really wonderful.

i write all this as i settle into an afternoon of avoiding phone calls and watching "the last waltz." rebecca's gone for what seems like an eternity, although it's less than 5 more days, and i'm off work tonight. i just returned from visiting her in kentucky, and i am so lonely without her. (it's so amazing to find someone who you would always rather be with than without. i never imagined...)

life is my jam.

i have a house with rebecca and scooter. it is pretty and soft and all grown up feeling. we have a plethora of presents under our tree, the tree we decorated with thrift store ornaments, plastic animals, beads, and play food. there are matching curtains and shelves we put up ourselves. beck has an office and i have a play room. our kitchen is huge and organized. every part of the house is calm and comfortable; each room pulls me to it in one way or another.

rebecca left today for almost 2 weeks, and scooter and i have been pouting ever since. he is occasionally circling the house, ending at the window, checking to see if her car has pulled up. and i sit on the couch, occasionally watching bits and pieces of spiderman 3, hoping that scooter is right, and she is outside. see, it's weird. i love living with beck. it's like i've been waiting to live with her my whole life. i want to see her every day. i want to run errands with her. i want to hear her car pull up, and the key in the door. it's only a couple of weeks (not even), but i feel so disoriented without her already. no matter how sad it seems here without her, i am excited to look forward to her nightly phone calls, and reminding her how much i love her. it'll go quickly enough, and i have plenty to do- too much as usual, really- and then she'll be back, in our home. and that's what it is- a home. already, a week into living here, and it feels more like a home than anywhere i've ever been.

only 25 days till i visit oakland, and then san diego. while i'm mostly really looking forward to it, certain things about the trip fill me with anxiety- revisiting certain feelings and places is a daunting concept. seeing old faces and remembering a darker time is always a fear. but the truth is, i have found a home. and i will always have it to come back to, and it somehow makes everything feel ok.

here are some shitty phone pictures of our place. i'll take some good ones soon, once it's all cleaned up.