my sweet sister has inspired me to write. both of us have avoided it for a time, and i think for very similar reasons.

my sister has a much bigger perspective on some parts of life than i do, this much i know is true. when she writes, i realize how close our world is to being doomed, and how unimportant my daily drama is.

however, my truth is that i choose to ignore a lot of that. i choose to eat sushi even though we're running out of fish. i make and ravenously eat kraft macaroni and cheese at least once every couple of weeks. i smoke cigarettes and pot, and i don't often ponder the long term consequences of these actions.

i've been trying to snap out of a funk. i've wanted to write about these last few weeks a million times, but how do you write about things on a public blog? i'm holding out hope for a couple of friendships i think i've lost, but not enough hope to make an effort to reconcile. i'm tired, i'm angrier than i've been in years, and i'm invigorated by my chance to start anew. how do you feel betrayed and not revel in it? how to feel crushed but not pout? i don't know.

and so, i'm trying to let it pass. i'm trying to pretend that being totally broke doesn't make me want to beat the shit out of the people that put me here. i'm trying to remember my part in my circumstances, but be strong in what i know is true, that a terribly wrong decision was made that left me without a job, and questioning everything i thought i knew about my friends.

so i'll try to make this a fuck it all post. i'm starting an exciting new job on monday. it's a block away from my house, and i am ecstatic. beck and i had a wonderful (thankfully already paid for months ago) vacation from last sunday through wednesday. we spent 4 days in the mountains, mostly in the spa overlooking the forest, and i do feel good. i feel rejuvenated.

but i've hesitated writing about any of this, because i don't want my trials to be public. i don't want the people i felt so much love for to view me as petty. i was suddenly excluded from the biggest and most important part of my life (outside my home and family), and i feel humiliated. i feel afraid to walk around my neighborhood and wonder what my neighbors think of me. i know i should be proud, head up, knowing i did nothing wrong, but when you lose so much that you love, it's hard. but i'll do it.

i've done much harder things in my life. i've left people and been left a thousand times before, and most of them were worse than this. it's just that now is the first time i was happy, the first time i felt safe. and now i feel tricked. i feel so, so sad. so RIP to the life i thought i would have for at least a couple more years. RIP to the ideas i had about how life was and would be.

and here's to a brighter, less chaotic future. here's to being respected and not lied about. here's to new friendships and repairing those worth saving. here's to my life. fuck it. working in a fucking restaurant was too important to me if my soul feels this crushed. new priorities are in order, and now's the time.

i've read all week, gotten the slightest of color on my shoulders, and beck and i have an almost thriving garden. things change. it's all uphill from here.