i spent an entire week mourning losses and suddenly i realized- there's more in store for me than this! i will miss it, but it just goes to show there is no planning in life.

and a week's long enough. i'm off my ass tomorrow. no more crying, no more anger, no more disappointment. it's time to feel empowered, time to take the opportunity to make an upgrade.

on the agenda tomorrow:
finally clearly organize the clothes
in the process, do a ton of laundry
mow the lawn
pursue at least one of several job options

it's a fresh start card. in hindsight there were too many flaws, too much manipulation, too many overlooked injustices. i'll never love a period of time the same way i loved this one, but it's time for new.

and tomorrow is the beginning of something really big.

i've learned a tough lesson this week. i've learned that, no matter how i get my life together, no matter how happy i am, no matter my reputation and work ethic, someone else's fucked upness can steal everything away in a second.

i've spent the whole week trying to rally, trying to admit that everything has changed, trying not to feel drowned by the humiliation. i've tried to tell myself i'm not losing my friends and so many other things i love, but i am. i have.

so now it's time to pull myself up and come up with a different plan. i've waited a week for some justice, for some sign that things can be ok and go back to normal. but now, i don't think i can wait anymore. i keep hoping my phone will ring, and it will be the boss i thought was my friend, correcting the mistakes he's made, and correcting the situation, doing the right thing.

but 7 days and multiple excuses later, it seems that this person i trust and love is going to make the easiest decision, and not the right one. i hope i eat my words, but the chance seems slimmer than ever.

at least my boss in my morning job thinks this injustice is the most ludicrous thing she's ever heard of. at least she's offering me as many extra hours as she can. and at least i have a better idea of who my friends are now. i spent hours last night with 2 of them, talking, laughing, confessing.

i feel like i had worked for years to become the person i am today, which is leaps and bounds beyond who i was before, and i feel like my proven reliability has been shit on in favor of passive easy decisions.

i've haven't felt this depressed, abandoned, and humiliated in years. but i have to remember. i still have rebecca, and we still have our sweet puppies and beautiful house. i still have some friends, and one of my work friends has made an effort to let me know she loves me, and it will all be ok. even if i lose the favorite job i've ever had, and friends i thought would stand up for me and have my back in such a blatantly unfair situation, even if i have to go back to working 60 hours a week somewhere i hate, i can do it. i will do it. i'll be ok. because that's just what i do.

but for once, i was so happy with all the circumstances of my life, and i still haven't quite let that go in my mind. but it's looking like it's time.

i love the girl asleep in our bedroom. i love this couch. i love hearing the train whistle in the distance every night. and god damn i loved "sweeny todd!"