i am a healthier person in nashville, and i've been thinking about why. in san diego, it's so easy to disappear- i regularly went missing, even from the friends i am closest to. here, it's impossible. you can avoid a phone call, but you WILL see that person within a few days- grocery shopping, getting coffee, at the goodwill across town- there is no escaping community in nashville. it can feel smothering at times, but for serial recluses like myself, i think it's a good thing.

and, now that i'm living with rebecca, i have another person to be accountable to. not in a weird, possessive way, but in an "i can't watch meryl streep movies for 3 days straight while avoiding all outside contact and only ordering in" way. now, when the reclusive mood hits, i get to cuddle with someone and emerge a few hours later into the real world.

i know i am perceived still as a socially anxious hermit at times, but i feel more a part of a place than i ever have. work is so much better than it was a few months ago. i am back to being a full time coffee girl/almost full time manager at the coffee place now, and i look forward to my sporadic serving shifts at the wash. i have more time with rebecca, i have almost every night off; it's really wonderful.

i write all this as i settle into an afternoon of avoiding phone calls and watching "the last waltz." rebecca's gone for what seems like an eternity, although it's less than 5 more days, and i'm off work tonight. i just returned from visiting her in kentucky, and i am so lonely without her. (it's so amazing to find someone who you would always rather be with than without. i never imagined...)

life is my jam.

i have a house with rebecca and scooter. it is pretty and soft and all grown up feeling. we have a plethora of presents under our tree, the tree we decorated with thrift store ornaments, plastic animals, beads, and play food. there are matching curtains and shelves we put up ourselves. beck has an office and i have a play room. our kitchen is huge and organized. every part of the house is calm and comfortable; each room pulls me to it in one way or another.

rebecca left today for almost 2 weeks, and scooter and i have been pouting ever since. he is occasionally circling the house, ending at the window, checking to see if her car has pulled up. and i sit on the couch, occasionally watching bits and pieces of spiderman 3, hoping that scooter is right, and she is outside. see, it's weird. i love living with beck. it's like i've been waiting to live with her my whole life. i want to see her every day. i want to run errands with her. i want to hear her car pull up, and the key in the door. it's only a couple of weeks (not even), but i feel so disoriented without her already. no matter how sad it seems here without her, i am excited to look forward to her nightly phone calls, and reminding her how much i love her. it'll go quickly enough, and i have plenty to do- too much as usual, really- and then she'll be back, in our home. and that's what it is- a home. already, a week into living here, and it feels more like a home than anywhere i've ever been.

only 25 days till i visit oakland, and then san diego. while i'm mostly really looking forward to it, certain things about the trip fill me with anxiety- revisiting certain feelings and places is a daunting concept. seeing old faces and remembering a darker time is always a fear. but the truth is, i have found a home. and i will always have it to come back to, and it somehow makes everything feel ok.

here are some shitty phone pictures of our place. i'll take some good ones soon, once it's all cleaned up.

note to self- when anxious, listening to "come on, feel the illinoise" may not be the best choice.

i'm counting down to 4pm, which is when rebecca is supposedly done with her oral defense for her dissertation proposal. i feel so nauseous. i know she's going to do amazingly well, but i don't know how it will affect her. i am sending vibes to her committee, in hopes that it might result in her emerging feeling at least human.

in other news, i turn 28 on saturday. might start rounding up to 30 soon. if anyone wants to go to shakespeare in the park on sunday the 9th, i'll have details soon.

i'm also trying to plan a california trip for the end of december/beginning of january. one of my lovelies (holla, julia!!) is getting married on 1/12. while i definitely will be there for that, i would like to start my trip in san fransisco at the end of december to see my sister (assuming she moves) and karen and her awesome fam.

other than that, things are going well. i trained today and will train again tomorrow to be able to fill in for the owner at the vandy coffee place when she needs a day off. i'm still keeping options open, because i'll need a full time coffee gig come november. while i'm a bit burned out on cooking, it's nice to have a flexible end time. makes the job search a bit easier in most ways.

this entry is really boring, and i know this. but fuck it. it's 3:34. 26 minutes to go, and maybe longer. i'll let you know when she passes and how much ass she kicked.

love you all.
kristen.

so obvious, isn't it.

my thoughts make no sense right now, and i am compelled to chase a resolution to my confusion with an insane vigor simply to resolve this restlessness, to label it and move on.

this week has been really good. i've made an effort to change little things a bit at a time, and i hope it's really panning out. so why today did i sabotage myself and revert to irrational thought and insecurity? i don't know. but for some irritating reason, all i can think about right now is that i really miss my mom.

a long week

this week will be particularly busy, but i'm hoping maybe something positive comes from it.

i'm really interested in seeing if i might make a good manager at suzie's. i don't know about certain parts of the job (mostly the personal interaction part, although i think i can handle it), but i know i can manage the place well. i know i love the hours and i know i love the thought of having entire weekends off. so, this week, in a (not so subtle) attempt to kiss a little ass, i volunteered to work 3 really short shifts for them on top of my usual work load.

so today i'll be working 11 hours at the wash, and then tomorrow, thursday and friday, i'll be at suzie's from 7:30am- 11, and at the wash from 1 or 2 till 10. in all honesty, i could use the extra money anyway.

man, my blogs are so fucking boring. i'm going to have to start telling stories about my past adventures. my adventures now are less adventurous, but mostly because i'm lacking in funds and time.

so maybe my next blog will be more exciting. i feel so blank currently, and i'm at work and really should be working.

i think that, as motivation for more inspired blog entries, you guys should comment and/or start your own blog. yeah.

to bean or not to bean

so... what to do now...

i'm in the process of phasing myself out of the cook position at the wash. i feel a bit complacent still though because i know i can stay to some extent probably as long as i want to. and, even after i've officially left, i'm sure i'll fill in here and there.

so basically i'm left with a job for anywhere from 1 month to an indefinite date, and now it's all on me to make the proper changes.

to be honest, i feel a little bit loserish, going from a food service job to (almost definitely) another one. maybe it's being surrounded by people who are furthering their education, while i have none to speak of. maybe it's the way my current state reminds me of a much more depressed (not to mention humiliating and regrettable) past. or maybe it's just me, feeling inadequate and worried i'll never get further than slinging coffee for tips.

but the truth is that i like slinging coffee, and one day would like to do it for an actual profit. i picture owning a shop that is unique and adorable, one that is staffed with efficient and skilled employees. i have a really specific idea in my head when i think of my shop, and i can't wait to do what i want to do without some disinterested owner breathing down my neck and paying me next to nothing.

so what now? i feel like my departure from the wash is on its way to being a really smooth and good thing, and i have high hopes that i will transition smoothly to something more suited for my interests.

but will i still feel like a loser at the end of the day? somehow i've got to learn to accept where i am and where i'm going, or change the direction. because this self pity is pretty boring, considering i'm the only one who can change this shit.

i recant my previous statements

... regarding "king of queens."

i think it may have been harmony who labeled it "genuis" and i scoffed. but i think harmony would be the first to admit that she uses the "genius" label rather liberally, and so i think i just assumed it was another lame sitcom.

NOT TRUE.

kevin james has got to be the most likeable guys on television, and it's a shame i'm realizing it now, after the show's just ended.

a couple weekends ago, i hurt my head, and my sweetie had to take me to the emergency room. perhaps i'll blog a more detailed account of this later. anyway, she and i had just recently confessed our love of this show to each other, and we watched several episodes in our hospital room, while i was waiting to have tests done.

to show a tiny inkling of my appreciation to her for taking care of me, i bought her season one on dvd. it's rocked our world. doug, carrie, and aurthur are like my favorite people, and i could watch it forever. last night i had a dream that beck and i were ourselves, but somehow i knew she was actually carrie and i was doug. it was fun, if not a bit pathetic.

9 more seasons to go. maybe i do like catching on to a good thing a little late.

watch it and love it.

also, we're starting from the beginning with "6 feet under" and, even though i've seen them all before, i'm in love all over again.

HOT

how predictable, to open my new blog by commenting on the weather, right? predictable or not, it's really all i'm thinking about today. with today's high predicted to reach 99 degrees, there's no end in sight for this crazy heat wave.

the heat here in nashville is nothing like the heat at home. sometimes i think i like the weather here more than the weather at home. i hate dry heat, and escondido had plenty of that. people who grew up IN san diego may not understand the misery that the desert heat of escondido brings with it. i prefer humidity to that. i feel like i can at least breathe when the air is wet, rather than sitting there, dry and burning.

however, this heat wave feels different. it's still and dry and stifling. and the worst part of it is that is NEVER ENDS. it will be 90-something tonight at midnight. it's affecting every part of me. i'm already always teetering between normalcy and depression, and feeling as though i'm roasting in an oven is certainly not bettering the situation.

on that note, i've felt completely unmotivated for a long time. people i care about are scattered all over this country, and i've barely spoken to any of them in months. how do you explain extended absences like this? how can i explain that the thought of picking up the phone and making the effort to keep in touch makes my head spin? how do you explain that it has nothing to do with the people you love? and then i tell myself- CALL! NOW! the longer you wait, the worse off you are, the more you have to explain yourself. and that sends me into a panic, because how do you explain such irrational anxiety?

i miss my friends in san diego. i miss my friends in other places. i miss my family. i miss my grandparents, who have tried in countless ways to connect with me this year, but with no return for them. and how much easier would it be to just pick up the phone instead of typing this blog? instead of watching another episode of "still standing" while counting down the minutes till i have to go to work?

and there's that. work. it's too much of what i don't want. i feel like i've failed because i want to give up on it. i want to run a coffee shop. i don't want to cook anymore. and so i'm on the path to doing that. but i'm torn because i love the place and the people so much. they've become my world, my everyday life, and i'm not sure what it'll be like without them. not to mention, it feels like i'm doing what i always used to do, bailing when it gets too hard. but it's not my passion to cook food for mass amounts of people. it's not my passion to create meals and replicate them hundreds of times over in a space the size of my bathroom.

when i picture the future now, i see me and rebecca, in a cool old house. i see me running a coffee shop in the morning and being a bit housewifey in the evenings. i picture rebecca coming home from work and me cooking her dinner. i picture this crazy life of domesticity, and i feel calm about it. but i know when the now becomes the then, i will be just as crazy in my head as i am currently, unless i take steps to change it.

and so i'm doing that, one bit at a time. i'm going to try to take care of my mind and my body more. i'm going to try to make those calls to people i love, no matter how much they yell at me for being absent for so long. and if people call me, i'm going to try to answer. (hint, hint. call me?)

life is good, it really is. it's chaotic, it's hot as shit, but it's good. i'm totally and completely in love with someone who has the cutest little smattering of freckles across her pink cheeks. i work with people who support me completely in every way. i have a family who loves me, and friends who put up with my bullshit.

and so, i'll suck it up and go to work. and maybe i'll even call my grandma.