HOT

how predictable, to open my new blog by commenting on the weather, right? predictable or not, it's really all i'm thinking about today. with today's high predicted to reach 99 degrees, there's no end in sight for this crazy heat wave.

the heat here in nashville is nothing like the heat at home. sometimes i think i like the weather here more than the weather at home. i hate dry heat, and escondido had plenty of that. people who grew up IN san diego may not understand the misery that the desert heat of escondido brings with it. i prefer humidity to that. i feel like i can at least breathe when the air is wet, rather than sitting there, dry and burning.

however, this heat wave feels different. it's still and dry and stifling. and the worst part of it is that is NEVER ENDS. it will be 90-something tonight at midnight. it's affecting every part of me. i'm already always teetering between normalcy and depression, and feeling as though i'm roasting in an oven is certainly not bettering the situation.

on that note, i've felt completely unmotivated for a long time. people i care about are scattered all over this country, and i've barely spoken to any of them in months. how do you explain extended absences like this? how can i explain that the thought of picking up the phone and making the effort to keep in touch makes my head spin? how do you explain that it has nothing to do with the people you love? and then i tell myself- CALL! NOW! the longer you wait, the worse off you are, the more you have to explain yourself. and that sends me into a panic, because how do you explain such irrational anxiety?

i miss my friends in san diego. i miss my friends in other places. i miss my family. i miss my grandparents, who have tried in countless ways to connect with me this year, but with no return for them. and how much easier would it be to just pick up the phone instead of typing this blog? instead of watching another episode of "still standing" while counting down the minutes till i have to go to work?

and there's that. work. it's too much of what i don't want. i feel like i've failed because i want to give up on it. i want to run a coffee shop. i don't want to cook anymore. and so i'm on the path to doing that. but i'm torn because i love the place and the people so much. they've become my world, my everyday life, and i'm not sure what it'll be like without them. not to mention, it feels like i'm doing what i always used to do, bailing when it gets too hard. but it's not my passion to cook food for mass amounts of people. it's not my passion to create meals and replicate them hundreds of times over in a space the size of my bathroom.

when i picture the future now, i see me and rebecca, in a cool old house. i see me running a coffee shop in the morning and being a bit housewifey in the evenings. i picture rebecca coming home from work and me cooking her dinner. i picture this crazy life of domesticity, and i feel calm about it. but i know when the now becomes the then, i will be just as crazy in my head as i am currently, unless i take steps to change it.

and so i'm doing that, one bit at a time. i'm going to try to take care of my mind and my body more. i'm going to try to make those calls to people i love, no matter how much they yell at me for being absent for so long. and if people call me, i'm going to try to answer. (hint, hint. call me?)

life is good, it really is. it's chaotic, it's hot as shit, but it's good. i'm totally and completely in love with someone who has the cutest little smattering of freckles across her pink cheeks. i work with people who support me completely in every way. i have a family who loves me, and friends who put up with my bullshit.

and so, i'll suck it up and go to work. and maybe i'll even call my grandma.