tonight was the first night i actually worked at lipstick, and i think it went pretty well. i was so anxious, seriously, it was lame. but it went smoothly. i'll have to wait till tomorrow to see how much i made (the other server and i split the tips), but i think it'll be pretty good.

i'm so tired of overworking. i always do this. starting next week, i'm supposedly working less, so we shall see.

also, i went to the midnight thursday premiere of x-files with a friend who went out of her way to reconnect with me, and i had a lot of fun.

i also heard from ash that a friend's mom passed away unexpectedly, and it's made me sad.

my dad is visiting on the first. i miss him.

and beck is gone for a whole week, which has left our household in utter disarray and depression. god damn it, i miss her.

oh! and my celebrity power of attraction has returned!!! this is very exciting. this week alone i saw gillian welch, tiffany (the awesome 80's pop star, and at the fucking thrift store buying an electric youth bracelet no less), and today, nick carter ate at our restaurant. awesomeness.

my next order of business is to see nicole kidman and sheryl crow, and become BFFs with tiffany, as i hear she may now live in the neighborhood.

love to all, and fuck, i miss my lady.

i am so utterly charmed by the girls next door. i'm watching a "best of" episode on demand and i've seriously never felt so content. i love all the girls, i love mary, i love kendra's mom, and i even love heff.

my god, kendra is weird. i love it. when bridget's dog, wednesday went "doggytonic" and looked dead because she made him wear an easter bunny outfit, i laughed out loud for 5 minutes straight.

it's hard for me not to respect them. if i imagine that the show is a totally accurate representation of their lives, they seem liberated and so pleased with their choices and the awesome decadence it affords them. i love that they just called the kitchen and ordered guacamole and a strawberry milkshake.

i know, i'm lame for blogging about this show, and i don't care. oh my god, i almost just cried at one scene.

i really don't want to go to work again. i hate split shifts, especially today. all i want to do is work on little projects around the house, smoke, and watch "how clean is your house" all day. i want to take the babies to the dog park. i want to be lazy. i want to read a book.

i have to scale back again on work. i'm overdoing it. oops. but it's so nice to be in the environments i'm in, to remember that work is not my identity, and i don't owe my co-workers anything more than hard work.

i like drinking again, too. i like going out after work and having a long island or two. i like being blocks from my work and the bars. i'm happy that i never have to drive my car anywhere.

i'm happy that i don't leave work with that heavy feeling i had for so long that i didn't even realize i had it. at my jobs now, i can snap at someone for being stupid, and they'll snap back, and no one feels broken hearted about it. it's freeing, and ih have no desire to be involved in some of the work dramas around me. i kind of feel like i flit in and out, do a good job, like most everyone, and most everyone likes me, and then i leave.

anyway, shit's rockin'. i love the lady, and i love the puppies. i made them beds for their crates, and i am overly proud of how much they love it.

ok, gotta change and get to my job. just felt compelled to randomly post.

my sweet sister has inspired me to write. both of us have avoided it for a time, and i think for very similar reasons.

my sister has a much bigger perspective on some parts of life than i do, this much i know is true. when she writes, i realize how close our world is to being doomed, and how unimportant my daily drama is.

however, my truth is that i choose to ignore a lot of that. i choose to eat sushi even though we're running out of fish. i make and ravenously eat kraft macaroni and cheese at least once every couple of weeks. i smoke cigarettes and pot, and i don't often ponder the long term consequences of these actions.

i've been trying to snap out of a funk. i've wanted to write about these last few weeks a million times, but how do you write about things on a public blog? i'm holding out hope for a couple of friendships i think i've lost, but not enough hope to make an effort to reconcile. i'm tired, i'm angrier than i've been in years, and i'm invigorated by my chance to start anew. how do you feel betrayed and not revel in it? how to feel crushed but not pout? i don't know.

and so, i'm trying to let it pass. i'm trying to pretend that being totally broke doesn't make me want to beat the shit out of the people that put me here. i'm trying to remember my part in my circumstances, but be strong in what i know is true, that a terribly wrong decision was made that left me without a job, and questioning everything i thought i knew about my friends.

so i'll try to make this a fuck it all post. i'm starting an exciting new job on monday. it's a block away from my house, and i am ecstatic. beck and i had a wonderful (thankfully already paid for months ago) vacation from last sunday through wednesday. we spent 4 days in the mountains, mostly in the spa overlooking the forest, and i do feel good. i feel rejuvenated.

but i've hesitated writing about any of this, because i don't want my trials to be public. i don't want the people i felt so much love for to view me as petty. i was suddenly excluded from the biggest and most important part of my life (outside my home and family), and i feel humiliated. i feel afraid to walk around my neighborhood and wonder what my neighbors think of me. i know i should be proud, head up, knowing i did nothing wrong, but when you lose so much that you love, it's hard. but i'll do it.

i've done much harder things in my life. i've left people and been left a thousand times before, and most of them were worse than this. it's just that now is the first time i was happy, the first time i felt safe. and now i feel tricked. i feel so, so sad. so RIP to the life i thought i would have for at least a couple more years. RIP to the ideas i had about how life was and would be.

and here's to a brighter, less chaotic future. here's to being respected and not lied about. here's to new friendships and repairing those worth saving. here's to my life. fuck it. working in a fucking restaurant was too important to me if my soul feels this crushed. new priorities are in order, and now's the time.

i've read all week, gotten the slightest of color on my shoulders, and beck and i have an almost thriving garden. things change. it's all uphill from here.

i spent an entire week mourning losses and suddenly i realized- there's more in store for me than this! i will miss it, but it just goes to show there is no planning in life.

and a week's long enough. i'm off my ass tomorrow. no more crying, no more anger, no more disappointment. it's time to feel empowered, time to take the opportunity to make an upgrade.

on the agenda tomorrow:
finally clearly organize the clothes
in the process, do a ton of laundry
mow the lawn
pursue at least one of several job options

it's a fresh start card. in hindsight there were too many flaws, too much manipulation, too many overlooked injustices. i'll never love a period of time the same way i loved this one, but it's time for new.

and tomorrow is the beginning of something really big.

i've learned a tough lesson this week. i've learned that, no matter how i get my life together, no matter how happy i am, no matter my reputation and work ethic, someone else's fucked upness can steal everything away in a second.

i've spent the whole week trying to rally, trying to admit that everything has changed, trying not to feel drowned by the humiliation. i've tried to tell myself i'm not losing my friends and so many other things i love, but i am. i have.

so now it's time to pull myself up and come up with a different plan. i've waited a week for some justice, for some sign that things can be ok and go back to normal. but now, i don't think i can wait anymore. i keep hoping my phone will ring, and it will be the boss i thought was my friend, correcting the mistakes he's made, and correcting the situation, doing the right thing.

but 7 days and multiple excuses later, it seems that this person i trust and love is going to make the easiest decision, and not the right one. i hope i eat my words, but the chance seems slimmer than ever.

at least my boss in my morning job thinks this injustice is the most ludicrous thing she's ever heard of. at least she's offering me as many extra hours as she can. and at least i have a better idea of who my friends are now. i spent hours last night with 2 of them, talking, laughing, confessing.

i feel like i had worked for years to become the person i am today, which is leaps and bounds beyond who i was before, and i feel like my proven reliability has been shit on in favor of passive easy decisions.

i've haven't felt this depressed, abandoned, and humiliated in years. but i have to remember. i still have rebecca, and we still have our sweet puppies and beautiful house. i still have some friends, and one of my work friends has made an effort to let me know she loves me, and it will all be ok. even if i lose the favorite job i've ever had, and friends i thought would stand up for me and have my back in such a blatantly unfair situation, even if i have to go back to working 60 hours a week somewhere i hate, i can do it. i will do it. i'll be ok. because that's just what i do.

but for once, i was so happy with all the circumstances of my life, and i still haven't quite let that go in my mind. but it's looking like it's time.

i love the girl asleep in our bedroom. i love this couch. i love hearing the train whistle in the distance every night. and god damn i loved "sweeny todd!"