the adventures of a kristenosaurus

2008-07-25T23:47:00.000-07:00

tonight was the first night i actually worked at lipstick, and i think it went pretty well. i was so anxious, seriously, it was lame. but it went smoothly. i'll have to wait till tomorrow to see how much i made (the other server and i split the tips), but i think it'll be pretty good.

i'm so tired of overworking. i always do this. starting next week, i'm supposedly working less, so we shall see.

also, i went to the midnight thursday premiere of x-files with a friend who went out of her way to reconnect with me, and i had a lot of fun.

i also heard from ash that a friend's mom passed away unexpectedly, and it's made me sad.

my dad is visiting on the first. i miss him.

and beck is gone for a whole week, which has left our household in utter disarray and depression. god damn it, i miss her.

oh! and my celebrity power of attraction has returned!!! this is very exciting. this week alone i saw gillian welch, tiffany (the awesome 80's pop star, and at the fucking thrift store buying an electric youth bracelet no less), and today, nick carter ate at our restaurant. awesomeness.

my next order of business is to see nicole kidman and sheryl crow, and become BFFs with tiffany, as i hear she may now live in the neighborhood.

love to all, and fuck, i miss my lady.

2008-07-23T09:01:00.000-07:00

i am so utterly charmed by the girls next door. i'm watching a "best of" episode on demand and i've seriously never felt so content. i love all the girls, i love mary, i love kendra's mom, and i even love heff.

my god, kendra is weird. i love it. when bridget's dog, wednesday went "doggytonic" and looked dead because she made him wear an easter bunny outfit, i laughed out loud for 5 minutes straight.

it's hard for me not to respect them. if i imagine that the show is a totally accurate representation of their lives, they seem liberated and so pleased with their choices and the awesome decadence it affords them. i love that they just called the kitchen and ordered guacamole and a strawberry milkshake.

i know, i'm lame for blogging about this show, and i don't care. oh my god, i almost just cried at one scene.

2008-07-21T14:34:00.001-07:00

i really don't want to go to work again. i hate split shifts, especially today. all i want to do is work on little projects around the house, smoke, and watch "how clean is your house" all day. i want to take the babies to the dog park. i want to be lazy. i want to read a book.

i have to scale back again on work. i'm overdoing it. oops. but it's so nice to be in the environments i'm in, to remember that work is not my identity, and i don't owe my co-workers anything more than hard work.

i like drinking again, too. i like going out after work and having a long island or two. i like being blocks from my work and the bars. i'm happy that i never have to drive my car anywhere.

i'm happy that i don't leave work with that heavy feeling i had for so long that i didn't even realize i had it. at my jobs now, i can snap at someone for being stupid, and they'll snap back, and no one feels broken hearted about it. it's freeing, and ih have no desire to be involved in some of the work dramas around me. i kind of feel like i flit in and out, do a good job, like most everyone, and most everyone likes me, and then i leave.

anyway, shit's rockin'. i love the lady, and i love the puppies. i made them beds for their crates, and i am overly proud of how much they love it.

ok, gotta change and get to my job. just felt compelled to randomly post.

2008-05-09T21:43:00.000-07:00

my sweet sister has inspired me to write. both of us have avoided it for a time, and i think for very similar reasons.

my sister has a much bigger perspective on some parts of life than i do, this much i know is true. when she writes, i realize how close our world is to being doomed, and how unimportant my daily drama is.

however, my truth is that i choose to ignore a lot of that. i choose to eat sushi even though we're running out of fish. i make and ravenously eat kraft macaroni and cheese at least once every couple of weeks. i smoke cigarettes and pot, and i don't often ponder the long term consequences of these actions.

i've been trying to snap out of a funk. i've wanted to write about these last few weeks a million times, but how do you write about things on a public blog? i'm holding out hope for a couple of friendships i think i've lost, but not enough hope to make an effort to reconcile. i'm tired, i'm angrier than i've been in years, and i'm invigorated by my chance to start anew. how do you feel betrayed and not revel in it? how to feel crushed but not pout? i don't know.

and so, i'm trying to let it pass. i'm trying to pretend that being totally broke doesn't make me want to beat the shit out of the people that put me here. i'm trying to remember my part in my circumstances, but be strong in what i know is true, that a terribly wrong decision was made that left me without a job, and questioning everything i thought i knew about my friends.

so i'll try to make this a fuck it all post. i'm starting an exciting new job on monday. it's a block away from my house, and i am ecstatic. beck and i had a wonderful (thankfully already paid for months ago) vacation from last sunday through wednesday. we spent 4 days in the mountains, mostly in the spa overlooking the forest, and i do feel good. i feel rejuvenated.

but i've hesitated writing about any of this, because i don't want my trials to be public. i don't want the people i felt so much love for to view me as petty. i was suddenly excluded from the biggest and most important part of my life (outside my home and family), and i feel humiliated. i feel afraid to walk around my neighborhood and wonder what my neighbors think of me. i know i should be proud, head up, knowing i did nothing wrong, but when you lose so much that you love, it's hard. but i'll do it.

i've done much harder things in my life. i've left people and been left a thousand times before, and most of them were worse than this. it's just that now is the first time i was happy, the first time i felt safe. and now i feel tricked. i feel so, so sad. so RIP to the life i thought i would have for at least a couple more years. RIP to the ideas i had about how life was and would be.

and here's to a brighter, less chaotic future. here's to being respected and not lied about. here's to new friendships and repairing those worth saving. here's to my life. fuck it. working in a fucking restaurant was too important to me if my soul feels this crushed. new priorities are in order, and now's the time.

i've read all week, gotten the slightest of color on my shoulders, and beck and i have an almost thriving garden. things change. it's all uphill from here.

2008-04-27T00:33:00.000-07:00

i spent an entire week mourning losses and suddenly i realized- there's more in store for me than this! i will miss it, but it just goes to show there is no planning in life.

and a week's long enough. i'm off my ass tomorrow. no more crying, no more anger, no more disappointment. it's time to feel empowered, time to take the opportunity to make an upgrade.

on the agenda tomorrow:
finally clearly organize the clothes
in the process, do a ton of laundry
mow the lawn
pursue at least one of several job options

it's a fresh start card. in hindsight there were too many flaws, too much manipulation, too many overlooked injustices. i'll never love a period of time the same way i loved this one, but it's time for new.

and tomorrow is the beginning of something really big.

2008-04-26T07:55:00.000-07:00

i've learned a tough lesson this week. i've learned that, no matter how i get my life together, no matter how happy i am, no matter my reputation and work ethic, someone else's fucked upness can steal everything away in a second.

i've spent the whole week trying to rally, trying to admit that everything has changed, trying not to feel drowned by the humiliation. i've tried to tell myself i'm not losing my friends and so many other things i love, but i am. i have.

so now it's time to pull myself up and come up with a different plan. i've waited a week for some justice, for some sign that things can be ok and go back to normal. but now, i don't think i can wait anymore. i keep hoping my phone will ring, and it will be the boss i thought was my friend, correcting the mistakes he's made, and correcting the situation, doing the right thing.

but 7 days and multiple excuses later, it seems that this person i trust and love is going to make the easiest decision, and not the right one. i hope i eat my words, but the chance seems slimmer than ever.

at least my boss in my morning job thinks this injustice is the most ludicrous thing she's ever heard of. at least she's offering me as many extra hours as she can. and at least i have a better idea of who my friends are now. i spent hours last night with 2 of them, talking, laughing, confessing.

i feel like i had worked for years to become the person i am today, which is leaps and bounds beyond who i was before, and i feel like my proven reliability has been shit on in favor of passive easy decisions.

i've haven't felt this depressed, abandoned, and humiliated in years. but i have to remember. i still have rebecca, and we still have our sweet puppies and beautiful house. i still have some friends, and one of my work friends has made an effort to let me know she loves me, and it will all be ok. even if i lose the favorite job i've ever had, and friends i thought would stand up for me and have my back in such a blatantly unfair situation, even if i have to go back to working 60 hours a week somewhere i hate, i can do it. i will do it. i'll be ok. because that's just what i do.

but for once, i was so happy with all the circumstances of my life, and i still haven't quite let that go in my mind. but it's looking like it's time.

2008-04-06T00:03:00.000-07:00

i love the girl asleep in our bedroom. i love this couch. i love hearing the train whistle in the distance every night. and god damn i loved "sweeny todd!"

2008-03-31T11:34:00.000-07:00

J did this, and i'm in a cheesy ass mood, so here:

1. Your rock star name (first pet, current car): athena ranger

2. Your gangsta name (fave ice cream flavour, favourite type of shoe): vanilla new balance (haha)

3. Your Native American name (favorite color, favorite animal): blue puppy

4. Your soap opera name (middle name, city where you were born): irene fullerton (haha this is my favorite one so far)

5. Your Star Wars name (the first 3 letters of your last name, the first two letters of your first name): hobkr (hmmm bummer)

6. Superhero name (2nd favourite colour, favourite drink): green coffee (now this i like)

7. NASCAR name (the first names of your grandfathers): ernest elmer (this is no lie. seriously.)

8. Stripper name (the name of your favourite perfume/cologne/scent, favourite candy): love marshmallow

10. TV weather anchor name (your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter): laos lincoln (grody)

11. Spy name (your favourite season/holiday, flower): fall daisy

12. Cartoon name: (favourite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now): banana brown shirt

13. Hippie name (What you ate for breakfast, your favourite tree): egg pine

it's sprung!

2008-03-20T11:20:00.000-07:00

it's a fucking awesome day. spring is so obviously the best part of the year, however brief it seems. i forget this though. i think the forgetting is a coping mechanism to get me through the fucking INSANITY of summer and the seemingly endless just cold enough to really start to get annoying winters. but now it's officially here. yellow and purple everywhere, red chested birds jumping around my yard, people walking by the window in our front room, talking, pushing strollers, walking dogs. it's here! we all feel it, and it's fucking awesome.

unlocking my front door after work, coming into a house that feels like mine, a lock that feels familiar, a dog that's starting to feel like mine, drawn on toilet seats in all the spare chairs, anticipating working tonight, and actually feeling cheerful about it. THIS is spring. ahhhh, i now have some time to soak it in and believe it will never end.

rainbow pony wednesday

2008-03-19T22:28:00.001-07:00

first draft of new seat:

i'm contemplating a glitter background.

hang tough, motherfucker

2008-03-17T17:12:00.000-07:00

i realized that i didn't post a pic of the finished cobra seat, so here it is:

seriously?

2008-03-16T23:32:00.000-07:00

this is saint bonaventure, the patron saint of bowel disorders.

i don't deserve another perfect day!

2008-03-13T12:54:00.000-07:00

i have smoke, diet soda, cold medicine, and DIGITAL CABLE WITH HBO. fuck yeah, it's a good day. beck isn't here though. THAT would make it all perfect.

the weather outside is insanely glorious. because nashville weather defines erratic, i've learned to appreciate the sporadic loveliness. the front door is open, wind is softly blowing through the screen door. the ceiling fan in my playroom is on medium and it's the perfect temperature in here.

"breaking bad" is on demand, and i am SO happy to just sit in the sun lit room and smoke and watch awesome cable. perhaps i'll order a pizza. i can't have calypso nachos 6 times in 2 weeks, can i? can i?

until i decide i need food, i will bask in the glory of hundreds of channels and dream about toilet seat drawings. at 8 you will find me back to my thursday normalcy, with kate, sawyer, and sayid on a magic island that can shift time.

best thursday ever.

poop on this!

2008-03-12T22:39:00.000-07:00

CHECK THIS SHIT OUT. i just might have found my calling.

i'm sick but i'm pretty (haha fuck you so what if i know this song)

2008-03-12T11:04:00.000-07:00

thankfully, mara is working my shift tonight because i slept for approximately 1 hour last night. my coughing and snot puddles kept waking me up. and rebecca discovered this morning that scooter's water bowl was dry which perhaps explains why he woke up every hour and ran around the house barking and keeping me even more awake.

in reality, the day is pretty great though. i'm getting cable tomorrow, which is awesomely fun, and i'm hoping to get some green so i can just sit and smoke and watch "lost" since i have tomorrow night off.

i also have a new project i'm working on, so i'm off to the craft store today. here's a preview of my first prototype:

the next one is going to involve sequins and jewels. pretty awesome.

so anyway, hopefully this shitty feeling from my work encounter fades, and hopefully i can get a nap in. but, for now, i'm happy watching roseanne and planning toilet seat art.

2008-03-08T21:10:00.000-08:00

quote of the day:

(by rebecca, while watching "la vie en rose")

"dude, she's totally hitting the hypo. not cool."

2008-03-07T11:44:00.001-08:00

scooter is not very excited about watching roseanne with me when i get home from my morning job. perhaps this should make me feel guilty; i know he'd rather i run around with him for a bit. instead, it only makes me question his judgment. what rational dog wouldn't want to sit and watch the best sitcom ever?

this roseanne episode is really heavy though, so maybe i don't blame him. i love this show so much. every couple of years i rediscover it, and watch it daily for a bit. i was always really envious of their family. my family had more money than they did, but in my family, we didn't get to fight like they did. if there's anything i truly wish was different in my life- now and in the past- i wish i knew how to fight without worrying that the person i'm fighting with will abandon me forever. i went for a time trying to avoid conflicts of all kinds. this, it turns out, is impossible. so now i tend to resort to ugly and really mean spirited occassional outbursts. roseanne was really so ahead of her time. as crazy as that family was at times, they spoke to each other so openly. oh my god, roseanne talking to dj about why she hit him and how her father hit her, and dj saying "i'm sorry you got hit" and roseanne saying "i'm sorry you got hit too." makes me want to cry. ok, whatever, maybe i did cry a little.

i don't think scooter would mind watching roseanne if rebecca was here. he misses her, and i do too. i've never known someone i can be around so much and never get sick of. everything is better with her around.

lately, i'm serving at the restaurant again, and i'm kind of loving it. i keep thinking about 10 or 15 years from now, and how i have no idea where we'll be or what will be happening in life exactly, but i know that without a doubt i'll look at this year and the ones surrounding it as some of the best of my life. the people around me make up a community i thought existed only in shows like "gilmore girls." i know someone at every place that i shop, all the banks, the corner stores, every restaurant and bar is filled with familiar faces. every few cars that i watch pass my house is driven by someone who i recognize or who recognizes me. how awesome is that.

i have no doubt that someday somewhere else, i'll have an amazing life with new people and old people in it to varying degrees, and i can be really happy in a new way. but i want to make sure i remember this time as the first time i've ever been really happy and felt certain that the people who love me will not abandon me.

2007-12-17T13:30:00.000-08:00

i am a healthier person in nashville, and i've been thinking about why. in san diego, it's so easy to disappear- i regularly went missing, even from the friends i am closest to. here, it's impossible. you can avoid a phone call, but you WILL see that person within a few days- grocery shopping, getting coffee, at the goodwill across town- there is no escaping community in nashville. it can feel smothering at times, but for serial recluses like myself, i think it's a good thing.

and, now that i'm living with rebecca, i have another person to be accountable to. not in a weird, possessive way, but in an "i can't watch meryl streep movies for 3 days straight while avoiding all outside contact and only ordering in" way. now, when the reclusive mood hits, i get to cuddle with someone and emerge a few hours later into the real world.

i know i am perceived still as a socially anxious hermit at times, but i feel more a part of a place than i ever have. work is so much better than it was a few months ago. i am back to being a full time coffee girl/almost full time manager at the coffee place now, and i look forward to my sporadic serving shifts at the wash. i have more time with rebecca, i have almost every night off; it's really wonderful.

i write all this as i settle into an afternoon of avoiding phone calls and watching "the last waltz." rebecca's gone for what seems like an eternity, although it's less than 5 more days, and i'm off work tonight. i just returned from visiting her in kentucky, and i am so lonely without her. (it's so amazing to find someone who you would always rather be with than without. i never imagined...)

life is my jam.

2007-12-09T15:01:00.000-08:00

i have a house with rebecca and scooter. it is pretty and soft and all grown up feeling. we have a plethora of presents under our tree, the tree we decorated with thrift store ornaments, plastic animals, beads, and play food. there are matching curtains and shelves we put up ourselves. beck has an office and i have a play room. our kitchen is huge and organized. every part of the house is calm and comfortable; each room pulls me to it in one way or another.

rebecca left today for almost 2 weeks, and scooter and i have been pouting ever since. he is occasionally circling the house, ending at the window, checking to see if her car has pulled up. and i sit on the couch, occasionally watching bits and pieces of spiderman 3, hoping that scooter is right, and she is outside. see, it's weird. i love living with beck. it's like i've been waiting to live with her my whole life. i want to see her every day. i want to run errands with her. i want to hear her car pull up, and the key in the door. it's only a couple of weeks (not even), but i feel so disoriented without her already. no matter how sad it seems here without her, i am excited to look forward to her nightly phone calls, and reminding her how much i love her. it'll go quickly enough, and i have plenty to do- too much as usual, really- and then she'll be back, in our home. and that's what it is- a home. already, a week into living here, and it feels more like a home than anywhere i've ever been.

only 25 days till i visit oakland, and then san diego. while i'm mostly really looking forward to it, certain things about the trip fill me with anxiety- revisiting certain feelings and places is a daunting concept. seeing old faces and remembering a darker time is always a fear. but the truth is, i have found a home. and i will always have it to come back to, and it somehow makes everything feel ok.

here are some shitty phone pictures of our place. i'll take some good ones soon, once it's all cleaned up.

2007-09-05T13:27:00.000-07:00

note to self- when anxious, listening to "come on, feel the illinoise" may not be the best choice.

i'm counting down to 4pm, which is when rebecca is supposedly done with her oral defense for her dissertation proposal. i feel so nauseous. i know she's going to do amazingly well, but i don't know how it will affect her. i am sending vibes to her committee, in hopes that it might result in her emerging feeling at least human.

in other news, i turn 28 on saturday. might start rounding up to 30 soon. if anyone wants to go to shakespeare in the park on sunday the 9th, i'll have details soon.

i'm also trying to plan a california trip for the end of december/beginning of january. one of my lovelies (holla, julia!!) is getting married on 1/12. while i definitely will be there for that, i would like to start my trip in san fransisco at the end of december to see my sister (assuming she moves) and karen and her awesome fam.

other than that, things are going well. i trained today and will train again tomorrow to be able to fill in for the owner at the vandy coffee place when she needs a day off. i'm still keeping options open, because i'll need a full time coffee gig come november. while i'm a bit burned out on cooking, it's nice to have a flexible end time. makes the job search a bit easier in most ways.

this entry is really boring, and i know this. but fuck it. it's 3:34. 26 minutes to go, and maybe longer. i'll let you know when she passes and how much ass she kicked.

love you all.
kristen.

so obvious, isn't it.

2007-08-18T14:20:00.000-07:00

my thoughts make no sense right now, and i am compelled to chase a resolution to my confusion with an insane vigor simply to resolve this restlessness, to label it and move on.

this week has been really good. i've made an effort to change little things a bit at a time, and i hope it's really panning out. so why today did i sabotage myself and revert to irrational thought and insecurity? i don't know. but for some irritating reason, all i can think about right now is that i really miss my mom.

a long week

2007-08-14T10:46:00.000-07:00

this week will be particularly busy, but i'm hoping maybe something positive comes from it.

i'm really interested in seeing if i might make a good manager at suzie's. i don't know about certain parts of the job (mostly the personal interaction part, although i think i can handle it), but i know i can manage the place well. i know i love the hours and i know i love the thought of having entire weekends off. so, this week, in a (not so subtle) attempt to kiss a little ass, i volunteered to work 3 really short shifts for them on top of my usual work load.

so today i'll be working 11 hours at the wash, and then tomorrow, thursday and friday, i'll be at suzie's from 7:30am- 11, and at the wash from 1 or 2 till 10. in all honesty, i could use the extra money anyway.

man, my blogs are so fucking boring. i'm going to have to start telling stories about my past adventures. my adventures now are less adventurous, but mostly because i'm lacking in funds and time.

so maybe my next blog will be more exciting. i feel so blank currently, and i'm at work and really should be working.

i think that, as motivation for more inspired blog entries, you guys should comment and/or start your own blog. yeah.

to bean or not to bean

2007-08-13T15:06:00.000-07:00

so... what to do now...

i'm in the process of phasing myself out of the cook position at the wash. i feel a bit complacent still though because i know i can stay to some extent probably as long as i want to. and, even after i've officially left, i'm sure i'll fill in here and there.

so basically i'm left with a job for anywhere from 1 month to an indefinite date, and now it's all on me to make the proper changes.

to be honest, i feel a little bit loserish, going from a food service job to (almost definitely) another one. maybe it's being surrounded by people who are furthering their education, while i have none to speak of. maybe it's the way my current state reminds me of a much more depressed (not to mention humiliating and regrettable) past. or maybe it's just me, feeling inadequate and worried i'll never get further than slinging coffee for tips.

but the truth is that i like slinging coffee, and one day would like to do it for an actual profit. i picture owning a shop that is unique and adorable, one that is staffed with efficient and skilled employees. i have a really specific idea in my head when i think of my shop, and i can't wait to do what i want to do without some disinterested owner breathing down my neck and paying me next to nothing.

so what now? i feel like my departure from the wash is on its way to being a really smooth and good thing, and i have high hopes that i will transition smoothly to something more suited for my interests.

but will i still feel like a loser at the end of the day? somehow i've got to learn to accept where i am and where i'm going, or change the direction. because this self pity is pretty boring, considering i'm the only one who can change this shit.

i recant my previous statements

2007-08-11T13:15:00.000-07:00

... regarding "king of queens."

i think it may have been harmony who labeled it "genuis" and i scoffed. but i think harmony would be the first to admit that she uses the "genius" label rather liberally, and so i think i just assumed it was another lame sitcom.

NOT TRUE.

kevin james has got to be the most likeable guys on television, and it's a shame i'm realizing it now, after the show's just ended.

a couple weekends ago, i hurt my head, and my sweetie had to take me to the emergency room. perhaps i'll blog a more detailed account of this later. anyway, she and i had just recently confessed our love of this show to each other, and we watched several episodes in our hospital room, while i was waiting to have tests done.

to show a tiny inkling of my appreciation to her for taking care of me, i bought her season one on dvd. it's rocked our world. doug, carrie, and aurthur are like my favorite people, and i could watch it forever. last night i had a dream that beck and i were ourselves, but somehow i knew she was actually carrie and i was doug. it was fun, if not a bit pathetic.

9 more seasons to go. maybe i do like catching on to a good thing a little late.

watch it and love it.

also, we're starting from the beginning with "6 feet under" and, even though i've seen them all before, i'm in love all over again.

HOT

2007-08-11T10:38:00.000-07:00

how predictable, to open my new blog by commenting on the weather, right? predictable or not, it's really all i'm thinking about today. with today's high predicted to reach 99 degrees, there's no end in sight for this crazy heat wave.

the heat here in nashville is nothing like the heat at home. sometimes i think i like the weather here more than the weather at home. i hate dry heat, and escondido had plenty of that. people who grew up IN san diego may not understand the misery that the desert heat of escondido brings with it. i prefer humidity to that. i feel like i can at least breathe when the air is wet, rather than sitting there, dry and burning.

however, this heat wave feels different. it's still and dry and stifling. and the worst part of it is that is NEVER ENDS. it will be 90-something tonight at midnight. it's affecting every part of me. i'm already always teetering between normalcy and depression, and feeling as though i'm roasting in an oven is certainly not bettering the situation.

on that note, i've felt completely unmotivated for a long time. people i care about are scattered all over this country, and i've barely spoken to any of them in months. how do you explain extended absences like this? how can i explain that the thought of picking up the phone and making the effort to keep in touch makes my head spin? how do you explain that it has nothing to do with the people you love? and then i tell myself- CALL! NOW! the longer you wait, the worse off you are, the more you have to explain yourself. and that sends me into a panic, because how do you explain such irrational anxiety?

i miss my friends in san diego. i miss my friends in other places. i miss my family. i miss my grandparents, who have tried in countless ways to connect with me this year, but with no return for them. and how much easier would it be to just pick up the phone instead of typing this blog? instead of watching another episode of "still standing" while counting down the minutes till i have to go to work?

and there's that. work. it's too much of what i don't want. i feel like i've failed because i want to give up on it. i want to run a coffee shop. i don't want to cook anymore. and so i'm on the path to doing that. but i'm torn because i love the place and the people so much. they've become my world, my everyday life, and i'm not sure what it'll be like without them. not to mention, it feels like i'm doing what i always used to do, bailing when it gets too hard. but it's not my passion to cook food for mass amounts of people. it's not my passion to create meals and replicate them hundreds of times over in a space the size of my bathroom.

when i picture the future now, i see me and rebecca, in a cool old house. i see me running a coffee shop in the morning and being a bit housewifey in the evenings. i picture rebecca coming home from work and me cooking her dinner. i picture this crazy life of domesticity, and i feel calm about it. but i know when the now becomes the then, i will be just as crazy in my head as i am currently, unless i take steps to change it.

and so i'm doing that, one bit at a time. i'm going to try to take care of my mind and my body more. i'm going to try to make those calls to people i love, no matter how much they yell at me for being absent for so long. and if people call me, i'm going to try to answer. (hint, hint. call me?)

life is good, it really is. it's chaotic, it's hot as shit, but it's good. i'm totally and completely in love with someone who has the cutest little smattering of freckles across her pink cheeks. i work with people who support me completely in every way. i have a family who loves me, and friends who put up with my bullshit.

and so, i'll suck it up and go to work. and maybe i'll even call my grandma.